How Long She Will Be Next To Me
by 88Ashley88
Summary: No matter how long it lasts, or how it ends, that's the truth I'll carry away from this. That no matter what, it was all worth it. One Shot


**I'll be honest with you. I've been pretty, I guess you'd say melancholy about how things have been with Linstead lately. And I've just been in a funk since Derek called off the road trip episode.**

 **This is really different from my usual "happy" Linstead. So, just be forewarned.**

 **I got the idea for this one shot from the short exchange between Mouse and Jay in Wednesday's episode and it's that mixed with a little bit of last season when Erin and Jay cooled it.**

 **This is short and a quick one I drabbled out.**

 **It's from Jay's POV**

 **I own nothing from Chicago PD.**

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There are times when I feel like my skin is too tight, like I'm suffocating to death just standing there. I take deep breaths, and it goes away, but the feeling always lurks at the back of my mind. The feeling that the good things in my life don't last. They never do.

And oh God, she's a good thing. The best thing, really. There are days when I wake up in the morning, and the first thought in my mind is, "I can't believe Erin Lindsay loves me." Hell, who am I kidding? That's my first thought every morning.

I never thought it could be like this. Oh, sure, I dreamed. I fantasized. But that's not the same as thinking it can actually happen, of having any hope in the world that it will ever come true.

Dreams don't prepare you for the real thing at all. They can't tell you what her skin will really feel like, or how sweet her hair smells, or how the light gleams in her eyes when she looks up to yours and smiles like you're the only person in the world she wants to see. Fantasies can't help you deal with the look of betrayal in your boss's eyes, or the look of hurt in your ex's eyes when you tell her you've found someone, or even the looks of speculative surprise from everyone else. Even if they like to say they saw it coming. There's always the split second look of "Dude, you're going to get your ass handed to you"

And maybe in some ways, they're right. Maybe one day it'll all come crashing to the ground for reasons beyond our control.

But not today.

None of that stuff matters anymore to me, which probably makes me a horrible person or something. Because I should care, I guess. I should care that just as I'm being loved, I'm being hated. But I don't. As long as she's with me, the rest of the world can pretty much go fuck themselves.

Except for that frightening feeling, like I'm in free fall, and the only thing that's going to stop me is the sickening crash when I come back to earth. That's when I think that it's only a matter of time, and then I'm going to get exactly what I must deserve. People like me aren't supposed to dare to reach out for what they want. In the end, we always have to pay for it.

That sounds awfully fatalistic, I guess. Like I'm picturing myself in some Greek tragedy, and I think the Gods themselves will strike me down because I dared to fly too close to the sun. But it's not like that at all. It's like... it's like I know that the hours are numbered, and I need to grasp every one and hold it as tight as I can.

Because it isn't going to last. I knew that going in. I just never thought it would be this hard to let go.

The joke's on me, you know. There were times last year when I was so smug, so self-satisfied. Erin and Kelly - the soulmates, the couple of destiny - their relationship was in tatters.

Meanwhile, I was the one who was so disdainful of Kelly for walking away from her. He had chance after chance and he blew it.

I just never understood what she saw in him. "Taking it slow" with the firefighter who only cared about a notch on his belt. But, for whatever reason, she liked him. And she liked him for far too long.

I always used to mock Ruzek for being so in love with the concept of being in love. Meanwhile, Adam has the one true love of his life, and I've had a few. I thought I loved Gaby, because she was everything I had ever fantasized about. I thought I loved Allie, because she made me feel like a hero. Now I love Erin, and she's going to end up leaving me. So you tell me. Who's the fool?

I fail people, you see. I failed Allie by being a stupid kid who couldn't keep his mouth shut. I failed Gaby by being unable to tell her everything. And ultimately, I'm going to fail Erin, simply because I'm me. And history always repeats itself.

And then there's Hank Voight.

The man, who in Erin's eyes is perfect. And can never do any wrong. The man whose expectations I try so hard to live up to, but yet somehow never quite meet. Approval or not.

I want so badly to hate him. He hates me, after all, at least I think he does most of the time. So why shouldn't I be allowed the same in return? I can't, though. It's not his fault that he's going to destroy the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Sometimes I think we're all victims of some fucked up psychological experiment gone awry. We're all so deluded. He thinks he has some sort of ownership over her because he was he "father"? It's bullshit. And yet she eats it up.

Those of us who get in the middle, we're destined for disaster. Ask any guy who's ever crossed her path.

Or maybe I'm the most delusional. Because I convinced myself that this could work, that I could be the one to break the spell he has over her, that Erin and I together would be enough to end the cycle. That we'd be happy. And we are happy, that's the pity of it. Yet when we're together, none of that matters.

And as far as I'm concerned, none of it will ever matter. Right up until the day when she looks me in the eye, and tells me that it's over. The day that I know is going to come all too soon.

Maybe it's stupid to dwell on the inevitable ending, to find trouble in the future instead of taking joy in the present. And there's so much joy, there really is. I believe her when she says she loves me, even when I'm scared as hell it's not true. I believe her because I know that when she says it, she believes it too. Because it's the truest thing I've ever said.

It's not anyone's fault. That's the hardest part of it. I don't deal well with the ephemeral. I want to have a real, live, flesh and blood opponent, that I can yell at, and curse, and hit. I want to be able to pin this on a person, and I can't. How do you blame fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call this thing that's driving us all through this?

So I live with it. I live with the ending I know is coming just as I pretend that it's not really there. When she's with me, it's easy to pretend. When I'm alone it gets harder.

I don't tell her of my fears, my certainties. What would be the point? She would rush to assure me that I'm wrong, that what she feels is real, that my sense of doom is melodrama at its worst.

She would tell me the truth as she knows it at this time. My telling her the deeper truth would only cause her pain, and that's something I never want to do. How can I tell her things that I don't want to face? If I can't talk about them with Mouse, who went through it with me, how can I tell someone who wouldn't understand. So I do her a favor and save her from it.

There's that hero complex again, the one that always gets me into trouble. I want to deal with the problem myself, keep it all inside. I'm right this time, though. A burden shared isn't always halved. Do I really want to take the short time we have, and throw this shadow over both of us?

It's a long shadow, though, and it's growing longer. Every day I wonder if this is it, if this will be the day that she realizes that she's been playing out a charade. If this will be the day that she just can't live the lie any longer.

She's not like me, you see. Once she realizes what I've always known, she'll have to make it right. There's too much honesty in her for her to do otherwise. That's when I'll lose her. That's when it will become clear that I never really had her to begin with.

I hope it's quick, and clean. She's not the kind of person to fabricate a reason, or pick a fight, just to make it easy. No, she'll look me in the eye, and be honest, and as much as my heart will be breaking, it will also be a relief. I won't have this weight on my shoulders anymore. I'll be able to breathe again.

For now, though, I'll remain breathless. Every day together is a gift, every kiss a blessing. She's the most precious thing I've ever known. No matter how long it lasts, or how it ends, that's the truth I'll carry away from this. That no matter what, it was all worth it.

 **The End**


End file.
